I was nervous. This was unusual because I was never nervous around my Grandmother. I looked down at my trembling hands as I tried to light the match to ignite the fire in the little fireplace in my Grandmother's room. She wanted me to build the fire because light and warmth reminded her of life. I hated myself because I didn't know what to say. I could tell that she was uncomfortable as well. I finally lit the fire and rose to sit by Grandmother's bedside. I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine and we both knew that both of our lives were going to change very soon. She was going to die and a large part of me would die with her.
Every time we had talked in the past we almost always talked about the future. We talked about everything from politics and world events all the way down to how cute one of her many newborn grandchildren was. (she had fifteen of them!) But tonight was different. Tonight the future was too frightening for either of us to contemplate. Tonight we both felt we were at a dead end. This was the first time I had seen her since I had learned she would die soon. The colon cancer had spread to her liver. It was just after Thanksgiving 1995 and I was home to visit my family in Salinas. I stared at the little fire raging and dancing and held Grandmother's hand as we wept as never before. I thought about the central role my Grandmother had played in my life and how this centrality created the idea in me that she was immortal. By her actions and by her philosophy she taught me that life is fleeting and meant to be lived. I remember so many facets of her life and beliefs that she held which were at the forefront of my life and taught me this notion.
One big part of my Grandmother's and my life together was travel. She and I traveled widely together. Both my mom and dad have MS and usually are physically unable to travel so my Grandmother would take me about to various spots of the world. One trip in particular I remember most vividly. It was in July 1984 to Washington DC. I remember my older brother Mike and three of my cousins Caitlin, Nicole, and Troy also came along. I was eleven and extremely excited because it was my first trip to the east coast. The city was sweltering hot and alive with blooming color splashed in brilliant sunshine. My young mind and imagination were ignited by what I saw. I had always been interested in history and politics but this trip brought my interest to a deeper level. As we visited all the monuments and the Capitol and White House the truth was driven home to me that real people built this country and real people serve it. The politicians of today are debating the same great philosophical principles that giants like Jefferson, Hamilton, and Lincoln debated. Issues involving justice are timeless and constant. The trip showed me the common threads throughout the history of our great country. Most importantly it instilled in me the belief that I could help shape the history of the country, that I could have an impact. I still believe this today.
Another way that Grandmother shaped my life were the family get-togethers at her home. The biggest of these were on Christmas. Being in Grandmother's house around Christmas was being in a cocoon of light, warmth, and love. On Christmas Eve all of us would have dinner at her house. My Grandmother always cooked in bulk. She had a huge kitichen and she utilized every nook and corner of it. There was not just one entree but three:prime rib, ham or turkey. There was not just one kind of bread but three:white, rye, or wheat. To top it off there was not just one luscious pie but many:pumpkin, strawberry, chocolate etc....just in case we were not full....(well, we've always had cholesterol problems!) During dinner our volatile, tumultuous, yet somehow happy family would sit around some large tables and stuff ourselves like Greek epicureans. There would be myself, my brother, and my mom and dad at one part of the table. Then there would be my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Mike and my cousins Troy, Nicole and Shane at another part. In another corner would be my Uncle Tom and Aunt Deidre and cousins Megan and Annalise. As well at the table would sit my Uncle Pat and their wives and ex-wives Jenny, Vicky, Patricia, Jenny, and Jeanne (like a mafia family, one can marry in but never really leave :) and their eight children between them.
Presiding over this wacky, boisterous clan my Grandmother ensured all got enough to eat and especially drink....we are Irish AND Hungarian. After dinner we would waddle to the massive living room and listen to my dad or Tim play the piano, light a fire or just sit around and tell dirty, raunchy jokes for a few hours. (we kicked out the Puritans long ago :) The next morning on Christmas the living room would be sheer bedlam as every greedy O'Grady raced to tear open the gifts under the tree. The floor looked like a confetti parade just passed. Often some of us would go to the backyard and play nerf football on the lawn. These family parties were my Grandmother's reason for being. She was exultant and proud of her family. She loved all of us and we loved her. That love bound us together as a family. We all pulled for one another and knew someone gave a damn about us and wanted us to succeed in life.
My Grandmother was central to my life as well through her guiding philosophy. She instilled in her children and grandchildren a belief in boundless opportunity. There was no excuse for failure in life and she expected and knew that all of us would succeed by having goals and purpose. She wanted me to use the boundless opportunities I was given to fulfill my own expectations. I know that I will never live up to all those expectations but I will always try to because of what my Grandmother taught me.
As I sat that night next to Grandmother's bedside I thought of these things and many more. We didn't say a word to each other, we just squeezed hands and watched the fire dance until it waned to embers. I let go of Grandmother's hand and raised up and kissed her on the cheek and told her that I loved her. She said that she loved me too and to never forget that. I gave her hand a final squeeze and she gave me a knowing, caring smile. My Grandmother, Adele O'Grady, died two weeks later in the same bed.
My Grandmother was a central figure in my life for twenty-three years. She was a steadfast rock in the roiling waters of my life. She was a harbor of refuge. But with her death I finally realized what I know she tried to teach me by her life. Every thought counts, every smile, every laugh, every hug or cry. Every moment in this tumultuous, exhilarating, sunburst of light we call life, counts.
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